[Tokyo Rude]

Hey SBers! I consider a lot of you good friends and many of you almost good voices of reason. I need a lot of friendly ears right now.

As you may remember last year my mom had anal cancer. I've had a..strained relationship with my mom. Either way, it was really shit news, and I had to go back at one time because the thought was she was going to die that week. She ended up not dying. She's recovering from cancer now. It's been just about a year exactly since I went back for that.

For those not in the know, I'm living and working in Tokyo. My family is in Texas, USA. I believe/did believe I'd be in Tokyo for the long term. I absolutely love the city. I have an apartment, and a couch, and I really really like living here.

I found out yesterday my Dad might have terminal lung cancer. He doesn't have any problems, but he's currently geting more diagnosed. If so, there's like a 1% survival rate. Otherwise 6 to 9 months to live. He's been taking care of my mom, managing his full time job as a head of department at a medical university, and taking care of two dogs and two cats.

If he does have cancer, I already know, I have to give up my life and go back. Doesn't make the decision any easier to face or take. I've built up my life here, and am comfortably settled. To give it up my friends, my girlfriend, my love of Tokyo breaks my heart. I know that not going back to take care of my parents (I'm an only child) would be just about the worst thing I could do in my life, no matter what my mother says.

My mother has told me not to come back. In any since of fidelity I'd have to ignore that an immediately come back.

All I can think about is that line from Lord of the Rings actually. "I never wanted this to happen." "So are all to see such times, but that's not for you to decide, it's only what are you to do with the time given to you."

God I HATE Texas. I seriously HATE being around my mother (for a variety of reasons) (even the serious, tear filled conversation last night was almost unbearable.)

I just have no clue how to handle this. I know exactly what I'm supposed to do, but it fucking sucks a lot. Give up everything for my parents, as they gave up everything for me.

[Kappuru]

It's hard dealing with the mortality of your own parents, especially because they seemed invincible when you were younger.

Don't worry about it until you have to, with your Dad.. but if it does happen, I think you know what you have to do.

Going through the same thing myself with my own father right now.

Hope everything's OK, rud13. No use in worrying until you find out.
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[psiga]

Hm.

Agreeing with Kap on this one. Play it by ear for now.
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[DonMarco]

DonMarco's thoughts:

Go back to the states and enjoy the time you still have with your parents. Make peace, be nice, support them. If not for the sake of humanity, then as something you will look back on and be proud. So "lose" a few months, hopefully closer to a year.

The main reason my Dad retired to Michigan is to basically wait out his parents, and I really admire that about him.

It sucks to hear about your friends and girlfriend. Leaving Tokyo, too. Giving up your apartment, books, collected trinkets and big city lifestyle. I'll never know what you're going through, having not owned a couch. I bet it's a nice couch.

I've got two years before I can get back. Quite the exile...
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Still alive.

[kael]

Having dealt with something like this before, I have to say - it sucks, but you're going to want to be there. Hopefully things will turn out okay and your dad will be fine, but if they don't... trading away a year or so of your life in tokyo is a tough decision, I'm sure, but I personally value every last minute I had with my father before he passed on.

You've got plenty of years ahead of you, so I'd say spending one helping take care of your parents isn't a bad idea. You'll be glad you did afterward, if it means that you have more good memories of him to look back on and you were able to say goodbye without leaving things unresolved.

For now I'd try not to worry about it, but if it looks like things are going bad for your father, I'd at least make preparations to be able to leave. Even if you haven't decided yet, the more notice your friends, coworkers and loved ones in Tokyo have before you leave, the more chance that you'll be on good terms with them in a year or two if you decide to come back and pick things back up where you left off.

Dealing with parents you're not on good terms with is always a struggle in this sort of situation, but even if you and your mother aren't on good terms, she'll appreciate having you around.

I hope things work out okay for your parents.

[Leau]

I had the exact opposite situation last year, when I contracted cancer, and had to move back in with my parents. That was really the only option, as my goof ball twenty something roommates can't really take care of you in the method required. So if I was in your situation, I would definitely move back to take care of my folks because they did the exact same thing for me. On the other hand....

[Dark Age Iron Savior]

shit shit shit, I forget to keep saying this and whenever I do the browser craps out:

whatever happens, good luck, rudie
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[ionustron]

For a good year or two so my Dad had been fighting an infection in his foot (the poor-weight Diabetes for years, caused nearly no circulation in his feet, stepped on a toothpick one day, never noticed, and it festered.) that slowly lead to it being cut away, until the entire foot had to be cut.

Things were looking up in November of '05 when he suddenly got very very sick, and they had found the infection in his body once more. His kidneys crapped out and once he learned that he'd most likely be in a permanent dialysis machine, his condition rapidly deteriorated. He passed away within a few days.

I was in collage at the time during finals project crunch time. It was about a week before I was set to go home for Christmas break. I didn't know about it until it happened, and it all happened very quickly.

On the one hand I wanna say to stay positive and try not to buy into those timetables until you die, and mentally refuse to die, but I'm unsure how true it is.

But I will say, for god sakes, spend time with your Dad before you can't!

[scratchmonkey]

Rudders, it sounds like you already know what you need to do. There's some pretty good advice in this thread already as well, so I'll just say that I hope that your Dad's tests come back negative. Selah.

[Tokyo Rude]

[bloody heartland]

I hate to be the one to say this, but:

If it's going to destroy you to go back full time, why not stay?

[CubaLibre]

Duty.
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Let's Play, starring me.

[schild]

I've been back home once (ONE TIME) in the last 9 years. I have no plans to go back. It was a surprise 48 hour trip to see my mom who works too much. My mom and I could get along better most of the time as well.

I'd say I'm "close" to these people. But not really "CLOSE." My father on the other hand, not my step father, is a pretty godawful person. I did not go to his mother or fathers funeral, I didn't even go when I found out they were sick. My father and I do not "get along," we merely allow eachother the benefit of living. I am also, very much, not a respect your elders type. That always struck me as "we need to respect them even though they don't respect us."

On my short list of regrets (we're talking, can count them on one hand), is not at least going to his mother's funeral. She was always nice to me though completely ignorant of her crappy situation. And it was my fucking dad's mother, man.

If my dad, mom, or stepdad got sick. I'd go. Simply because I know how it feels to not go.

But then, I'm still in America.

If you don't go, make sure you're angry enough to not regret it. If you do go, make sure you know exactly how you're going to deal with it. That is to say, if you've got shit to get off your chest or apologize for or whatever, now's your chance. Even if he ends up being in that 1%, I find that these are slates best left cleaned. I would've really liked to unload some anger on my dad's father, but I missed my chance. Closure (good and bad) is a prety great thing, guy. Don't underestimate it.

[Ebrey]

[bloody heartland]

[schild]

[Ebrey]

[schild]

[Leau]

Hey Rudie, how bout an update? Did you ever decide to move back to the states? How are your folks doing? How about you?

(Again, if it's too personal, just ignore me).
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[psiga]

I have no beef with you at all, schild, but I feel compelled to do this:

[Tokyo Rude]