[professor_scissors]

I have selected a list of six old arcade games produced by Konami. I will play my heart out at each one of them, at a rate of one per day. The only one that I know anything about beyond a single screenshot is the last one.

The rundown will be as follows:

Roc n' Rope
Pooyan
Missing in Action
Yie Ar Kung-Fu
Boot Camp
Time Pilot

I will post again later tonight with a screenshot diary of Roc n' Rope, complete with swears and frustration. Wish me luck!

[haircute]

[professor_scissors]

Okay, let's get this party started.
DAY 1
ROC N' POPE ROPE


The title screen claims 1983, and I'm inclined to believe it. It's got that font that every arcade game used for about 5 years after Pac Man came out.


Whoa! We've got a rad, unexplained intro with a magical golden bird dropping a pair of feathers. It's about 3 seconds long, then I am thrust into the actual game.


Whoa, lots of things moving all over the place. Some brief experimentation concludes that the bodacious dude at the bottom is me. Let's see what button one does.


HOLY SHIT it's a ninja rope. Boner: +2 inches.


Seconds later, the Pope has his first encounter with the terrible jaws of death... by falling 2 feet. Apparently gravity pulls extra hard on this planet. Sent back to the beginning, I give button two a shot.


This just keeps getting better! I've got a RAY GUN of some sort. Let's go fire it at some hapless monsters.


HOLY SHIT ITS ON MY ROPE GET IT OFF GET IT OFF
Shortly after this picture was taken, I was raped to death by lizardmen. Last life.


Eat raygun death, you caveman bastards!
Turns out it's actually just some kind of stun gun. I fire a ninja grapple awesome rope across the screen to make my stunning getaway.


Disaster strikes! A caveman got onto my rope, and apparently the stress was too much for Pope to handle. He falls to his death once again.


Humbled, but not defeated, I make for a second attempt.


So far this is going much better. I've ascertained that the MAGICAL GOLDEN BIRD is my ultimate goal here. Must climb... to save... freedom!


ZOOOOOOOM
Fuck yeah.


Oh dear, this place looks dangerous.


The lizardmen do the most amazing dance when they are stunned. I tried to capture it here but I'd need to make like an animated gif or something.
Anyways this was a pretty tense situation. I ended up panicking and spamming rayguns before being torn to pieces by brutal monsters. Second try was a charm, and ended in the same magical zoom as the first stage.

Okay, this is getting simple enough. Stage 3 certainly can't do anything too surprising...


Aaaah! What the hell is that? We've got like a crazy windmill and a... something something. I'm kind of intimidated but let's give this a fair shot.


This is me realizing that I don't have a jump button, then getting molested by cavemen while I try and figure out how to get on this goddamn windmill thing.


Oh god, these teeth are like knives!

So ends my second foray into Roc n' Rope.
Overall Rating: AAAAH/10.
I may come back to it a bit later tonight, depending on how this essay goes.

[Deets]

I love this thread already! Keep up the good work, Professor.

[Intentionally Wrong]

Seconding Deets! I cannot wait to hear the rest!
_________________
JSNLV is frequently and intentionally wrong.

[professor_scissors]

Well, a virtual nervous breakdown from school-related stress indicates that I'm done writing about Roc n' Pope. But stay tuned!
Tomorrow: Pooyan.

[professor_scissors]

DATE 2: Pooyan

This looks grand. A jolly game about some kind of animals and their festive balloons. What fun!


Any preconceptions I had about this being a game for children are shattered. The first scene is of several innocent animal children being savagely attacked and abducted by wolves. It is a horrifying sight, reminiscent of Jewish children being slaughtered by the Tsar's soldiers in a Pogrom.


I can only assume that I have been deployed in my mysterious pulley platform thingy as a last bastion of defense against our lupine invaders. The forest is silent.


These wolves are a more terrifying breed than I could possibly imagine. Not only can they breathe fire, but any arrows I fire at them with my trusty bow bounce harmlessly off their hide with a metallic PING sound. Clearly these are not simple wolves, they are wolven beasts from the deepest pits of hell itself.


My only hope is to shoot the balloons that carry them from the trees above to the ground, where they will no doubt feed on my delicious children. I stand resolute, but that doesn't stop me from experiencing...


Death.


Incredible Death.


I can't let it end this way. These wolves don't deserve life. I insert another coin and remember my fallen comrades as I prepare for another desperate struggle against the hell-wolves.


I'm unstoppable. It's a goddamn wolf holocaust.


This is me discovering the Death Meat by accident. I can throw pieces of meat that seem to instantly kill the wolves on contact. I can only imagine what kind of animal it came from, but I seem to have a finite supply of the stuff.


The last wolf lies dead. The silence permeating the battlefield act as a grim reminder of the horrors of war.


Two wolves retreat, holding my young in their vile jaws, with our lynch squad in hot pursuit. Apparently we're pigs.


The battlefield has changed. most notable is my captured young underneath the cliff. The wolves have sensed my presence, and are coming to put an end to this once and for all.


Things are going differently this time. The wolves have stronger balloons, filled with stronger helium. Instead of going down, they're flying up, with balloons that sometimes take two arrows to destroy.
Seriously, that's one hell of a balloon.


A well-placed piece of Death Meat slays five of the beasts at once. Their numbers are dwindling.


The alpha wolf emerges, with a prismatic balloon. A piece of Death Meat makes short work of him, and his clan is put to a bloody end.


The war has been won... but at what cost?


Ooh!


The wolves seem to be beating a hasty retreat back to their tree. However, I have been deprived of my bow. My only weapon is Death Meat. I slay as many as I can.


I got meat points. The battle begins anew.


The only substantial difference this time is that the alpha wolf is dropping strawberries. Shooting them nets me 200 points. Also, there's an assload more wolves.


Slaying dozens before meeting my untimely demise, I die a true warrior's death.


The desperate hellbeasts send a full battalion to bring me down. Little do they realize that I am armed with Death Meat.


The battle is won once more. This time, however, the stakes are much higher - six of my children have been held captive by the dread wolves.


I am burnt to death by wolven flames. Their army is growing in ranks.


Their balloon technology is progressing rapidly as well. Some balloons take three hits to fully pop.


I think I see what their plan is... but I won't let them! I must save the children! For everybody!


FREEEEEEDOMMMMMMMM!!!


High score? Are you kidding? A high score won't bring them back. Their blood is on my hands.

Man, I have to lie down for a while. This has been a harrowing experience.
Final Score: WWII/10.
Next Episode: Missing in Action

[lolipalooza]

this is the best FKW thread.

[professor_scissors]

[option]

WOW I had completely (and I mean completely) forgot about Pooyan until seeing this...

I remember beating the 1st level when I was 6 years old at an un-maned beach-side outdoor arcade in Cyprus.

[shrugtheironteacup]

Professor I approve this message and the check is in the mail.
_________________

[kthorjensen]

Once you get to Yie Ar Kung Fu you're going to have the time of your life.
_________________
Go to this website, you (person who is loved)

[meauxdal]

This thread is fucking badass... must... play... more... konami

[professor_scissors]

DATE THREE: Missing in Action


All right! We've progressed far enough into the future of Konami Arcade to have actual backgrounds. 1989, it says? This must've looked awesome in 1989.


Apparently my mission is to rescue this pouty guy. Who will they send on such a deadly mission? The answer is...


...Jogging Guy. I'm serious, this guy has no standing pose - he just freezes in mid-jog. It's increidbly comical looking.


Jogging Guy, it turns out, is incredibly fragile. I was jogging my own business when a German came out of nowhere and shanked me.


Fueled by temorarily-invincible revenge, I shank him right back. Or maybe it was a different German who happened to walk by. Either way, it seems like I'm armed with just a knife, as is the enemy army. This is a pretty low-budget war.


Hey look, a thing on the ground! What could it be?


Apparently it could be a landmine.


Some enemy dropped some grenades, so now I have an attack that somehow manages to be even more ineffective than my knife!


It's a hard life, being a Jogging Guy in the German Occupied Jungle. Armed with a keen knowledge of the inner-workings of the enemy army, I start again.


Whoa, this time I'm in a new area! I guess the levels are randomized or something. Then again, on some level they do all seem to be the same, too.


Here's Jogging Guy being killed by a German Soldier using the dreaded Climb Up a Ladder technique.


Here he is again, shortly after falling to the Walk Into You technique. Fortunately, that red guy then dropped his rocket launcher, allowing me to commandeer it.


Apparently button 2 shoots rockets, not button 1. Button 1 just knifes at the air while I get shanked in the back by browncoats.


Damn! This jungle is not friends with me, nor are its merry occupants. Let's go for a third try.


Looks like I'm back in the first area again. This soldier killed me by jumping on my head. Fuckin' Italians.


Nice backgrounds.


The enemy brings in the artillery! It only takes some rudimentary timing skills to get up to it and kill the soldier manning it. This is good, because anything else would probably be beyond the abilities of Jogging Guy.


This is my being tempted by the tantalizing allure of a rocket launcher. This is also me moments before getting shanked again.


Holy shit, I found secret passage!


Alas, sweet irony. I finally cave in and use a continue.


Looks like the secret passage is alot like the normal route. That is, full of shanking Germans.


Whoa, some kind of tower thingy. Apparently two of these are the boss of the level. I just have to climb up and shank both the machine gun guys in each one. How hard could it be?


Man, I all kinds of give up.

As a side note, this game had skippable cinematics about a decade before FF7 didn't.

FINAL RATING: Dead/10
NEXT EPISODE: Yie Ar Kung Fu

[professor_scissors]

DATE FOUR: YIE AR KUNG FU


All right. Am I a Kung Fu Master? We're about to find out!


HOT FIGHTING HISTORY. My first opponent would appear to be Buchu. Either he's a sumo wrestler or he has an eating disorder. Or he's E. Honda's long lost cousin.


This seems to be his only worthwhile technique - the Fly At You Like a Moron technique. Easily dodged.


Fortunately, he is no match for my deadly Kung Fu!


He should really stop doing that. He looks like a goddamn moron.


Oolong proves that fat people have no place in the world of senseless violence! Ninja pose for the cameras!


My next opponent is Star. Why would that be her name?


Apparently because she throws ninja stars. How creative.


Ow ow ow ow ow these things really hurt!


Damn it.


No matter. THIS time I will crush her beneath my steel fists!


Damn it.


Damn it!


I was woefully defeated by a girl with ninja star powers. How... humiliating?
Time for credit #2!


Buchu falls like a giant, easilly toppled blob of lard.


Fuck.


STOP THROWING THOSE THINGS EVERYWHERE I DON'T HAVE A BLOCK BUTTON


Damn it.


Okay okay okay I can do this. Hit once, she shuffles back, dodge stars until she gets close, kick to the face, repeat until she dies. I can do this.


Well, the theory was sound.


I think I'm starting to get the hang of it. One more credit!


Walkin' all over Buchu like Jet Li over Random Thug #48.


Oh yeah, not so easy NOW, is it, Star? I know all your weaknesses!


Yesyesyesyesyesyes


PUNKD
Another victory for Truth, Justice, and Beating the Shit out of Girls.


Nuncha is next in line. GEE, I wonder what his gimmick will be.


Apparently his gimmick is kicking my ass.


Damn. This guy ain't got no mercy. Fortunately, I have my ultimate technique...


The Jump Around Like a Stoned Clown Technique!


Behold my infinite leaping power! You can't touch this, shitface!


Yes!


YES!


UNSTOPPABLE
On to stage four!


The best part is that I didn't see this coming when I looked at his name.


Shit, he really knows how to use that thing.


Sensei, I admit defeat.


And that looks to be the end of this adventure. I'd probably play this more if I liked fighting games even a little.

FINAL SCORE: Punching/10
NEXT EPISODE: Boot Camp

[Lurky]

God I love this thread.

About Date 3, have you played Rush'n'Attack?

[meauxdal]

thread... still... rocks... so... does... konami

[rye]

posting to express enjoyment of this well-crafted FKW thread

[professor_scissors]

[Lurky]

Missing in Action is an awkward sequel to the already bizarre Rush'n'Attack.

[professor_scissors]

DISASTER STRIKES
My Boot Camp ROM is broken! I have things to do this evening!

In short, there will be no Blind Date today. I'll do two tomorrow to make up for it.

Any suggestions for my game? Don't tell me anything about it, just the title.

[klj5j6li]

play cue brick!

[professor_scissors]

DATE FIVE: CUE BRICK


Whoa! That is the most intense ever picture of a grid of gray squares.


OH GOD what do these modes do I have to pick one NOW NOW NOW TIMER COUNTING DOWN choose A


Zooooom!


Yikes! I have no idea what I am dooing!


Okay, I think I get it. It's like Pipe Dream, only with a marble instead of Unidentified Goo.


Also, when you beat a stage of Pipe Dream you don't go soaring off into outer space.


Okay, a bit more complicated, but I can do this. Let's see....


Uh huh, uh huh.


Man, I was never good at Pipe Dream.


Crap.


Crap!


OH! Apparently I can move a tile while the marble is standing on it!


There we go.


What?!
I wish I had known I was timed. Quarter time.


Good, good...


SWITCHU! Stage Clear!


I am an unstoppable marble-rolling machine!


Intermission: We have a moai head, attatched to an infant, punting a marble. Fascinating.


Okay this is getting kind of complicated. I ran out of time again here before finding the solution.


This is a freaking fascinating Game Over screen. All that text at the bottom was BREATHED out of the Moai Head like a cloud of circular doom.
No idea what it means, though.


I guess I... entered a password?
Wait, holy crap! An arcade game where I can register an account! I haven't seen that since Gauntlet Legends.

Anyways, after coming back I discovered that my folly was in now knowing that the marble can loop around the edges of the field. Problem solved!

Here's me casually crushing a spiral of fun.


I seem to be having some trouble with this one.


I sure have a lot of time to finish this one.


Yeah.
Quarter'd!


Whoa!
I can move more than one block at a time. That makes this easier.


Almost easy enough to not die!


THERE we go.


Jesus christ. You know what? I'm just gonna wing this.

ACTION CAM

I can't believe that worked.


Okay, this doesn't look too hard.


Just as planned.


Less planned.
Running out of time. Must hurry.


Maybe a little TOO hurry.


I have 2 seconds to clear the circuit! Activate warp drive!


Dammit!

Final Score: Huh/10

I actually played Time Pilot but it turns out its the sort of game that is crazy fun to play but ass-boring to diary about. If anyone has any other requests, I'll try and get them done today.

[Baines]

Brings back memories, as I played everything except Boot Camp and Cue Brick in arcades. Well, not really Pooyan. I played that on a Trash-80 Color Computer 2.

I don't recall ever beating stage 3 of Roc 'n Rope. I loved that game for some reason though. I think it was the rope. And getting annoyed the first time an enemy grabbed it.

I didn't realize Pooyan had a vertical screen, since I'd played it on a home computer. (Or a "My family not only can't afford a C64, they won't even buy a Vic-20" home computer.)

Missing in Action was every bit as bad as you portrayed it. I'd forgotten about that game. There were so many of those soldier games, after all... POW, Rush'n Attack, Contra (arcade), etc... And even some of the bad ones were better than Missing in Action.

Star was both my favorite and my nemesis in Yie Ar Kung Fu. Several years ago, I played the game again on an emulator with an invincibility cheat. What is a "Feedle"? Apparently it has something to do with being able to launch images of yourself at your enemy.

I played Time Pilot I think in a pool hall? It was either the only machine there, or there were a couple of machines. I'd go there to play Time Pilot. I don't even remember how I got there, or got home afterwards. Too long ago.

[klj5j6li]

oh and here's the boot camp ROM i used in case you still wanted to use it:

http://rapidshare.com/files/16822550/combasc.zip.html

it shows up as combat school on the mame list so watch out!

[Deets]

Dan Remy, the guy who runs vjarmy, did a pretty great writeup of Boot Camp over here

[professor_scissors]

FINAL DATE: COMBAT SCHOOL


WELCOME TO COMBAT SCHOOL ARE YOU READY TO BE ALL YOU CAN BE


Looks like this will be a brutal test of strength and skill between Nick the American and Joe the Aryan Nazi Backstabber.


Whoa whoa wait can I have some instructions or something?
Directions don't do shit. What about button 1?


All right, mashing button 1 seems to give me running power. Now I'd better figure out how to...


Not run into a hurdle and fall over like a moron.
Okay, button 2 is jump. Let's jump jump jump our way to glory!


Today, Nick learns an important lesson about walls. Some of them are tall, and you can't jump over them like hurdles.


Scratch that, Nick doesn't learn shit.


My Nazi friend has reached the goal and I'm just getting to these damn bar things.


OH GOD I'M SO CLOSE


Nooooooooo!


I guess I was not ready to be all I can be. Let's try this again.


OKAY SOLDIER LET'S GO YES SIR


It's neck and neck! Exhilirating!


Okay, so I rammed a few walls headfirst. At least it's closer this time.


HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT


SIR YES SIR I CAN RUN OVER YOUR STUPID OBSTACLES SIR


Next event is some kind of firing range. Very basic stuff, I seem to be timed. Pretty harshly at that.


HOLY CRAP look at that final time. Skin o' my teeth!


Next is the IRON-MAN RACE. Instructions? We do not believe in such things!


Here I am falling over in a puddle while Joe leaps and bounds through the course like a kangaroo on steroids.


Nick has an unusual sense of balance. He reacts about the same to a puddle as he does to a LAND MINE.


At this point I'm basically watching Joe set the world triathlon record while I fall over in puddles.


That boat I'm passing used to belong to Joe, before he fell out and started swimming through logs. I guess even ARYAN MONSTERS make mistakes.
I'd like to take a moment to point out how much stronger my POWER is than his. Oh yeah.


That's actually as far as the text displayed. PLAYER 1 (N. Anyways, I seem to have passed another event.


Cinematic! Sarge leads the troops.


And Nick lags behind like a toddler with Parkinson's.


Time for FIRING RANGE II.


Holy crap, it's like a Galaga firing range! These things be movin' all over and I be runnin' left and right shooting them down.


Easy as peaches!
Never mind that it was another just-barely victory.


Arm wrestling? Is that really part of the official boot camp experience?


HYYEEEAAAURURRRGGGHHHHH


Bah. This computer is good at mashing a button.


Yes I KNOW my opponent is a perfect blonde soldier who can do no wrong. I do not need you to tell me that I am a LOSER okay?


One more FIRING RANGE.


This seems basic enough. Shoot targets, don't shoot civilians.


Dammit this cursor won't move fast enough!


Crap.


OH SWEET JESUS
Where... where are you going to put that stick?


My PENALTY GAME seems to be chinups.


HYYEEEAAAURURRRGGGHHHHH


PLAYER 1
(NICK)
YOU

...I what?


So close! I almost got to FIGHT MY INSTRUCTOR.

Final Score: SIR YES SIR/10
Thanks for playing!

[Iacus]

Excellent thread.

Konami/10
_________________
Guayaba 2600

[Mr. Business]

Prof, you let the boys at home down. We thought you'd put the whuppin' on that uber-mensch, but instead he turned your dick into bratwurst! Every bald eagle in this whole damn country is weeping as we speak!
_________________
Taking a break.

[klj5j6li]

the last firing range is some impossible nonsense