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Transformers 3 review pending, I saw it so you don't have to (don't)

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So, Transformers: Dark Of The Moon.

I loved the first one. It was Ferris Buller Meets The Terminator with elements of love bug. It was dumb as a rock but in a very smart way, the robot designs were radical and innovative (albeit at the expense of clarity) and the action was satisfying. I laughed, I thrilled and at one point (Megatron being framed by a big fuck-off explosion) the film caught in the projector and incinerated itself. You simply cannot ask for greater immersion.

I left the cinema shooting edgeways glances at parked cars. I could imagine how each one would unfold. A perfect summer shitkicker, and I was excited for more.

And then, Revenge Of The Fallen. Every smart step the first film took (limited numbers of robots, clean plotting and a sense of awe and wonder) was replaced by racism, incoherence, bloodlust and racist lusty incoherence). Some of the action was quite nice, but the script was an abortion. It was the summer after the strike, so I had hopes the series could be redeemed.

Oooooh, boy.

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The film starts with a missed opportunity. Megatron spent the last film being rebuilt as a scary murder tank just so he could be the Russian prison bitch of a poorly understood antagonist-replacement. In the midst of this he lost large sections of his face and chest and got the fuck out of dodge while his boss was disemboweled.

Megatron starts the film in Africa. Half of his dome is still peeled back, and weird parasites/repair drones scuttle out of the wound. He's covering the missing half of his face with a tarp. His mighty fusion cannon is gone, replaced with a giant robo-shotgun. His new alt mode is a twisted reflection of Optimus Prime, a Road Warrior-style mac truck. He's shouting ALL HAIL MEGATRON! at elephants.

This is interesting! In Transformers he was an almost unstoppable foe, feared beyond all. Now he's a shadow of himself, a creepy obsessive who made himself more like his arch foe but fucked up. His mind is going, his weapon is an improvised downgrade and he looks wild west as fuck. What Transformers should be is the struggle between Optimus Prime and Megatron, played out through their proxies. What happens when Megatron is desperate and insane? What happens when he cross-dresses like the enemy? This is interesting territory no Transformers sub-canon has touched on and has the potential to be great, unhinged action sci-fi.

Until the closing battle absolutely fuck all is done with this. Instead there's another Fallen-type character: a previously unseen legend from the cheeto-incrusted depths of the Transformer metaverse, boring as shit and here to do what Megatron should be doing. HUGE FUCKING SPOILERS ABOUT TO HAPPEN

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(James Remar voices a robot made out of swords)

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I saw Super-8 last night.

It was actually really great! It's obviously indebted to the Goonies but they cast the childhood innocence against a much harder edge. Full marks.