[The Troops]

I've met a lot of girls off OKcupid. Not so much these days. (I've been getting one message a month recently, maybe less.) But in 04, 05. I would go to their dorms and sit on opposite ends of their couches with them and watch French movies.

You really have to approach the situation as though you're a reformed rapist. You have to present yourself in a textual manner that acknowledges your own severe undesirability. Not self-deprecating humor. I mean sincere apology. You're honestly trying to be a good person, but you just can't help that you're male, and you're trying to move beyond that.

You will spend two to four weeks typing back and forth to this person. It's important to keep track of what you've said. Enable your chat logs. Know when to punctuate, and when not to. There are certain formalities that internet women adhere to.

At about the one-month mark (generalizing; I've gone as long as nine), when she feels safe enough to hear your voice, you may begin speaking on the telephone. Later, you may have the privilege of arranging actual meetings in well-lit public places. Even now, remember your humbled state, and know the female's prerogative of cutting off plans at the most arbitrary of whims, without any need to inform you, much less speak to you again. You must take this setback in stride. Suppress the frustration, let it ferment and add to your self-destructive mystique. Enraged blog posts will only invite the ire of the female, and the laughter of males with more capacity for courtship.

Selecting an opening greeting can prove to be a challenge. Some prefer the more customary "Hello," while others demand that you open with some sort of reference to their profile as proof of your commitment. Self-described "quirky" girls may take delight in an irreverent, off-the-cuff musing, such as "sigh . . . i eat far too many apples." More the case than not, though, none of these techniques will work, and your advance will be preemptively ignored, forwarded to their inbox, and replied to a week later with an unpunctuated "what."